December 5th, 2008

business ventures, vanity labels, and dat azz

OK, so I'll level with you. I was going to take my bye this week because the Rev, who you may recall promised to rejoin the campaign in Week 10 if I managed to survive Week 9, has disappeared without a trace. There are rumors floating around that he's just off "servicing" Rick Wagoner while he's in town, but one way or the other, he's not picking up his cell.

So, contextually, with ~12 hours to go before the deadline and still no Rev in sight, it seemed like taking a bye was a really good idea. However, I can't be sure that I'll be able to find him by next week, by which time stakes will be still higher. So even though I don't have anything particularly "vain" to discuss, I think it's probably best to save my bye, press on this week, and hope for the best.

To that end, I offer you... hrm... let's see what's lying around... ah, yes, a document that I helped author this summer. This never got completed. It was intended to be the FAQ section of the website for my new signature fashion venture, Srs.Jeans. We were gonna leverage my name, make some pretty sweet designer jeans, handbags, and t-shirts, and make a killing doing so.

Two problems arose which spelled the premature end of the once-seemingly-lucrative Srs.Jeans. One, I realized I didn't know how to design jeans, handbags or t-shirts, nor did I know anyone else who did. Two, the bank that was providing us our VC closed its doors. Actually, from what I hear, the bank's assets were entirely foreclosed upon by another bank. Yes, these are truly tough times.

Enjoy, I guess. And even if not, it goes without saying that you should vote for me anyway. LJ Idol needs me. Like the Big Three, I'm too big to be allowed to disappear.

srs jeans logo

Q: What is Srs.Jeans?

Srs.Jeans is the new fashion venture from srs_bidness, who you most likely know from his rise to worldwide fame in Livejournal's LJ Idol competition in Season 4. Having completed his obligations there, S. Bidness now focuses his unwavering eye for style on young women 16-24 everywhere he sees them. Srs.Jeans offers exclusive clothing and accessories to those who are totally unafraid to go under the razor and become the bleeding edge, if not the traumatic cerebral hemorrhage, of fashion.

Q: Who is srs_bidness, really?

An enigma, a force of nature, perhaps the most notoriously virtuosic lover in the universe (ladies only; no bipoly pagan chicks, please). His anonymity is a source of power that enables him to do more in a single week than most human beings achieve in a lifetime, theoretically, when he should someday choose to do so, which according to him is "comin' up just about any time now." He is a charitable man who works in his community and contributes a large percentage of his personal income every year to struggling fast food restaurants in surprisingly convenient locations. Having his name emblazoned across your ass, in 8-inch-high letters, will make you feel a little warm and fuzzy every time you slap on a pair of Srs.Jeans.

Q: I thought I heard a rumor that srs_bidness was so-and-so. Is this true?

For an enigmatic force of nature, any press is good press, but please remember: believing stuff you read on the Internet, particularly embedded in some yahoo's halfassed Youtube video, is always a sketchy business at best.

Q: Fair labor practices are important to me. Are your products made in a sweatshop?

Fair labor practices are important to us, too. All of our products are made in sweatshops with practically nonexistent pay and totally unimaginable conditions. That's what's most fair to us! So when you buy a Srs.Jeans product, you can rest easy with your purchase, knowing that S. Bidness still has a roof over his head, over his bedroom, where you'll find 2000-thread-count sheets on a rotating heart-shaped bed, a chocolate fondue fountain, and a veritable buffet of fruits which he hand-feeds to any woman lucky enough to enter through the door and take off all of her clothing, Srs.Jeans-manufactured or otherwise.

Q: When can I expected to take delivery of the Srs.Jeans I just ordered and paid for in full?

We are hoping to begin production sometime. Thanks for your order and your patience.

Q: Why are your prices so high?

S. Bidness personally prays over and subsequently spits on every box of clothing that shows up on the docks from our Asian sweatshops. This kind of individualized attention to detail is unheard of in today's mass-manufactured market. Besides, if you think $82.99 is too much money to pay for a pair of socks, you should see how much my chiropractor charges me... especially whenever I ask her for a rub and tug.

Q: If my Srs.Jeans do not fit, can I return them?

As you know, Srs.Jeans only come in one size for the sheer exclusivity. If these jeans fit you, congratulations, you are obviously an attractive woman. Other customers may find themselves unable to fit into their Srs.Jeans out of the box, but they still cannot bring themselves to part with such a fashionable article of clothing. Even if they did want to return the jeans, at this time, we are unfortunately unable to offer refunds to fatties as a point of ethics. Luckily for our customers, we have partnered up with another new venture, Srs.Suction. Customers who have purchased Srs.Jeans can receive up to a 5% discount on liposculpture from Srs.Suction to help them fit into their new Srs.Jeans.

Q: I don't have a Srs.Seller in my area. Do you ship Srs.Jeans products internationally?

We will ship anywhere in the world... for the right price... except for Oklahoma. This policy is a fairly standard one for any company in the cutthroat business of high fashion. As is commonly known, when any Oklahoma native dons a company's product for the first time, its reputation as a "fashionable" product is obviously and permanently finished. We apologize to our appallingly subhuman Oklahoman friends for any inconvenience.