srs_bidness (srs_bidness) wrote,

Ted, just admit it

Have you heard about the new horror movie that's coming out? It features an ensemble cast of fresh-faced attractive talent and over the course of 90+ minutes their blood will be spilled all over the set in the most disgusting and graphic ways imaginable and features absolutely no nudity. Mr. Director, if your mid-budget slasher movie is going to receive an "R" rating from the MPAA anyway because of the ample gory violence strewn through your cinematic vision, you will ultimately fail your audience if you do not also provide gratuitous nudity. In a proper horror movie, everyone is marked for death in the first 20 minutes: the pothead/drinker/smoker, the dickhead, the bitch, and of course, the amorous couple. From Friday the 13th to Snakes on a Plane this is a simple truth: someone has sex, I see boobs, and then they die. When the script doesn't have horny barely legals romping about, then there should be a romance angle for the lead role with plenty of tits and ass in a passionate love scene, or everyone goes to a strip club. There is no shortage of marginally talented starlets chomping at the bit for a minor role in your movie with no qualms about taking their clothes off in front of the camera. Why was Hostel so great? LOTS of tits and ass. Why did Hostel 2 suck? You only gave me fucking Heather Matarazzo suspended from her ankles au naturale while teasing me with the real hotties in bikinis and bathrobes. I can only presume this is some indication of your integrity as a film maker, to not exploit your fellow human beings, while decapitating and disembowleing them for my viewing pleasure.

The title of that new horror film is apparently Irony.
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